The literal meaning of Christmas

Denise Richards' bond-girl character in The World Is Not Enough was named Christmas Jones purely so at the movie's climax Brosnan could utter the cringeworthy double entendre, "I thought Christmas only comes once a year".

As a concept, Christmas is deliberately (and excessively) festive. Probably to justify the weather, bolster year-end profits and prevent the northern hemisphere committing SAD-induced suicide. As a word however, Christmas has numerous dark associations.

Lee Christmas (1863 – 1924) – Crashed a train into another train and lived. Six years later, (perhaps still suffering a concussion and) acting as a Central American mercenary, he defected twice , once after he’d already won. Christmas reportedly (and insanely) chewed glass for fun and so ironically couldn’t be trusted to decorate his namesake tree.

Christmas Disease – A derivative of haemophilia named after unfortunate sufferer Stephen Christmas, displays painful-sounding symptoms such as spontaneous haemorrhaging into the joints or muscles. Stephen must have been on Santa’s “very naughty” list.

Christmas Beetles – Ravenous bugs which destroy vast eucalyptus groves during Australian summertime (Aussie Xmas). Wannabe koala-killers.

Christmas Island – A contender for the most ‘ill-fated isle’ competition, Christmas Island has experienced drought, non-evacuated nuclear testing and extinction of indigenous species. Only last week, 48 asylum-seekers drowned when their Australia-bound boat shipwrecked off Christmas Island. Ho ho ho.

Merry Christmas one and all!